I started this blog with so many different ideas. What would I want to write about and share with all the world was my main focus. However, after thinking about it over and over again, I couldn’t help but think “maybe what I have to say isn’t important enough”. I thought and thought and thought some more about what I think is important to write about and what do I think the world might want to know about me or my life.
Then it hit me…..
This is my journal about my life story. I can write about anything!!!! So here is the beginning. Not the beginning of my life as a human, but the beginning of my life as a mom. To me, that is where my life starts. To most moms out there, that life starts in their 20’s or 30’s, but for me, that life started at 16…….
I was 16 when I got pregnant. I had been friends with my daughter’s father for several years and we decided to be “a thing”. That thing was short lived, as we got pregnant after a week or so of “dating” and two months later we broke up when I said those oh so famous words “I’m pregnant!” What a scary phrase to say at 16. I don’t think I quite understood what it meant. I definitely did not realize how much my world as I knew it would change. I didn’t think about the friends I would lose, or the respect that would disappear, or the plain, simple truth of “I am creating a life that will be entering the world in just 7 short months”. Even scarier than that, I kept thinking “How am I going to tell my parents?”
For a year or so before I got pregnant I had a horrible eating disorder. I was bulimic. I was 5’6 and weighed approximately 114 pounds on my bloated days. That detail is important because in the months to come, as I hid my pregnancy, I found it rather easy to do, because my parents, bless their hearts, just thought I was finally eating and keeping the food down.
I got pregnant in November and at the end of March I finally broke down and told my mom I was pregnant. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. Up until then, I could and kind of was, in denial. I was able to pretend that I wasn’t pregnant. After saying it out loud to the one person I was closest with, it suddenly became so much more real. There I was, a 17 year old, a junior in high school, telling my mother I am pregnant, with no income, no plan on what to do next. She stayed by my side every step of the way, guiding me along every milestone, being my strength and support system. During that time I had no idea how strong my mom was. She never let me see her upset about the situation. Looking back on it, she took the entire thing with such grace, standing up for me, being there when I was weak. I definitely did not understand how amazing she was. Being a mom now, I have such a deeper appreciation for what she did for me than she will ever know.
Sorry for all the mini side stories! I am trying to remain on topic here.
I gave birth to my beautiful daughter on July 12, 2007, with my sister by my side, encouraging every push, being my strength and the best cheerleader ever. My daughter has been with me through every milestone as an adult. Most moms out there can relate to this next statement. My daughter has taught me how to be patient, how to be more imaginative. I find so much courage from being her mom. Because of her, I always try to be the absolute best I can. Now, don’t let me fool you, I was not always in this mindset. Not even close. I went into several dark places, but those stories are for another time!
My daughter is 13 years old now. Full blown moodiness and in the “I know everything” phase in life. I find myself asking the good Lord for patience as He tests me almost on the daily. Being only three years younger than I was when I got pregnant with her, I notice how different we are and truth be told, I have NO idea how my mom survived me and my younger brother being teenagers. We weren’t trouble makers by any means, but we pushed her and our father to their limits, several times!
My daughter is part of my inspiration for this blog. She has given me so much joy in life, brought so many tears, good and bad. She has shown me what a true, undying, unconditional love is. A love with no bounds. She was my blessing and she has no idea. This blog and the words that flow through the pages are all dedicated to her.
I love you B.